The Blissful Torture; Almost Lover

Even after you ruined me for any other, I cannot regret you. Even as I cleave the flesh of wanting from the bone, I hope the night sky is pretty whenever you are.


I lost myself.

In the middle of nowhere, I found myself walking at a crowded place. My mind is full of so many unsaid thoughts. Though I want to comprehend into something that should be fixed, I cannot because I don’t know where to start.

I kept myself busy for almost every day, thinking it might help me to forget the things that bug me. From the morning I wake up, til the night that I have to rest my mind and my heart, I keep on thinking about him. About us.

I asked myself,

“What really happened?”

“Is it something to remember?”

“Am I just assuming you like me, too?”

“Why did you have mixed signals?”

“Why did I get my hopes high?”

What we had is something special, but I don’t have any idea how special it was for you. I told myself that maybe we’re just too sad, too broken, too emotional that time. We were both on the edge of giving up on love.

I was in pieces because someone cheated on me.

You were a hopeless romantic because your partner doesn’t care about you anymore.

We were both victims, that was on my mind. I never blamed you for my feelings for you. I point a finger to myself that I should’ve been more careful and less affectionate.

I haven’t seen you for a while and I hope the universe wouldn’t let us.

I’m crossing my fingers to wish that our paths won’t cross again, even if it’s possible because we live in the same city and we work in the same city.

But who knows?

We may have partners already and forget about the “almost relationship” we had.

You are my unrequited love. And unrequited is something that wouldn’t really let us to happen.

It is the kind of love that will never die and may haunt you. A tragic one. This is the kind of love that I don’t know if it hurts me or not. This is the kind of love that you might never forget. And surely you’ll never regret, because somehow you became so happy while it lasted.

It may not be reciprocated but it doesn’t mean I will not end up in a happily ever after.

Have a good life, my unrequited love.

– Thoughts from my teenage years (2014)



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